


Decomposition

by Azure-spiral (AdventureAddict)



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Eating Disorders, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Psychological Trauma, Suicidal Thoughts, unreality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:34:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28721466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdventureAddict/pseuds/Azure-spiral
Summary: Everyone has a secret spot as a kid. Somewhere magic they can go to and escape from the world. I bet you can remember your secret spot. I remember mine. Alphonse, Alphonse, Alphonse. I'm coming Al, don't worry.
Relationships: Alphonse Elric & Edward Elric
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	Decomposition

**Author's Note:**

> This is a reposting of something I originally had on the FF site, circa 2008. It's super dark, but it's always been one of my favorite pieces of writing from back then, so I really wanted to eventually import it over here.

_Everyone has a secret spot as a kid. Somewhere magic they can go to and escape from the world._

"Ed, please come out here," I could hear the weak female voice plead through the door.

Ed, who was that? I frowned for a minute in concentration and tried to remember who he was. After a minute it finally dawned on me that Edward was my name. The girl was calling to me.

What was her name again? Alphon- No, that couldn't be her. What did she want with me? No, it didn't matter what she wanted, she had to leave, I knew that much.

"Go away," I mumbled, burying my head deeper in the pillow.

"Please, Ed," she persisted, her voice cracking on the words. Why wouldn't this girl leave me alone? I just wanted peace and quiet!

"Leave me alone!" I snapped, pulling my head out of the pillow so it would be louder for her to hear. "I don't need you! I don't need anyone! Just go away!"

"Ed…"

I ground my teeth together in frustration. I then sat up properly on the bed and clapped my hands together instinctively. I then slapped them to the floor, rolling out of bed as I did so. I felt raw power cackle joyfully beneath my hands, and then the floor distorted and rolled like unnatural waves. I heard the distant shriek of the girl, and I sighed contentedly. Hopefully she would spread the message and not let anyone else disturb me.

I crossed my arms contentedly and climbed back into my bed, feeling a strange, almost burning sensation at the corners of my eyes. What was that feeling called again? I scowled and wiped away at my eyes. I then suddenly remembered that the feeling was called crying. I couldn't remember whether or not crying was a good thing, but it sure as hell didn't feel nice.

_I bet you can remember your secret spot. I remember mine._

"Fullmetal, get down here _now_ ," I heard a stern voice command. I looked up from the pillow to glare at the door. I didn't know who he was, or what the hell he wanted with a bunch of metal, but he was not. Supposed. To. Be. There. People were supposed to leave me alone. Why didn't he know that? Why had no one told him?

"Edward Elric, I _order_ you to get your ass up and out of there," the deep voice continued. He just had no respect for someone's personal sanctuary, did he? "You're not helping anyone by acting like this."

"I don't care," I growled, feeling my voice rasp unnaturally over the words. How long had it been since I had last spoken? Days? Weeks? Months? I had no idea how much time continued to pass in my small room. "I don't _want_ to help anyone. Go away."

"I don't care if you fucking want to help anyone or not," the voice continued. "You need to come out of there. You're just going to end up killing yourself."

Kill.

Now there was a word I actually remembered.

Kill. Murder. Death.

At some point I had considered those to be bad things, I knew. But who was I to judge those things so harshly? The rest of the world was turning their back on Death, but I was going to welcome it with welcome arms. _That_ was what I truly wanted. I then flung open the door and stared down the man standing behind it.

"Good," I said throatily. "I want to die." He reached out to grab me, but I instinctively jumped back and slammed the door in his face once more. I could hear his hand jiggle the doorknob, but I quickly clapped my hands together and slammed them against the wood, melding the door into the rest of the wall.

"This won't do you any good!" the deep voice shouted through the door, if it could even be called that anymore.

"I don't care!" I shouted back, my voice cracking and wavering on the word. I then threw myself onto the bed heavily.

_But children eventually grow up, and they leave their secret spot. They're told that they have to face life, to be serious and stop pretending._

Alphonse…

Alphonse, Alphonse, Alphonse.

Al!

Brother! Don't leave me! Help!

AL! Hold on, Al!

_But why? Why must we leave our secret spot in order to grow up? Why do we have to be thrust out in to the cold, dark world without the comfort of a magical spot to retreat to?_

"Happy Birthday, Ed," I heard the girl say softly. I just ignored her and stared out the window silently. They could drag me out of my room, but they couldn't force me to talk. My eyes had started to feel like they were always on fire, and always were incredibly dry, no matter what I did. My eyes were probably just soulless pits. All the better. That's what I felt like, anyway.

"Please, eat something," she pleaded, but I still didn't look at her. I couldn't even remember her name. Not that it mattered, anyway. Al was out there, somewhere, waiting for me to save him. I had to find him. I _had_ to rescue him. I couldn't just leave my brother.

"Edward, can't you see what you've become?" she asked softly. That time I turned to look at her and I saw how pleading and desperate her eyes were. She then brought forward a small object with some sort of shiny surface. I looked curiously at it, wondering what it was.

When I looked down at the object, the image of a blond boy was staring back at me. His hair was long and golden, like mine was, but unlike mine, his looked like it hadn't been combed in a long time and was hanging limply around his shoulders, not even pulled back into a ponytail.

I peered closer, and noticed that his eyes were also golden, the same color as mine, but his were bloodshot and stared back at me emptily, as if he had been drained of everything in the world, even hope. And unlike my face, his cheeks were gaunt and pulled thin, as if he hadn't eaten properly in weeks. I wondered what the boy had gone through to make him look so broken. Surely if he hadn't been so badly hurt then we would have looked very similar to one another, maybe even enough to make people think we were related. I sighed and handed the shiny object back to the girl.

"Who is he?" I asked, my voice barely able to handle a whisper after so much lack of use. This seemed to upset the girl, since her eyes seemed to start raining. I knew that had a name, I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. What was eye-water called?

"Please, Ed, just eat something before I shove it down your throat," the girl said softly.

_Can't we just stay in our secret spots forever? Can't we just forget about the world around us and be lost in magic?_

I laid silently in the darkness underneath my bed, humming a song under my breath. I didn't remember any of the words to it; just that it was little song mom had used to sing when I was little.

I flicked a dust bunny away from me and relaxed in the gloom of the darkness beneath the bed. Somehow, it was so much easier to tune out the world and my problems when I was in a dark, silent place. I was just glad I could still fit under the bed.

A pale face suddenly interrupted me out of my thoughts. I opened my mouth to tell them to go away, that I was meant to be left alone, but then I suddenly recognized who the face belonged to.

"Al- Alphonse?" I croaked out, looking at him in disbelief. Al just smiled at me and held out his hand.

"Why are you hiding under the bed, Brother?" he asked, his voice echoing cheerfully through the room. Every object in the room seemed to pick up on him and reply joyfully. "It's a beautiful day outside. Why don't you come out with me?"

"I don't know, Al," I said hesitantly. It had been a long time since I had ventured outside. I was worried that the sun was going to burn me with all its cheerful brightness if I left the house.

"Oh, please, Brother?" Al begged, pulling the puppy dog look. I couldn't help myself anymore, so I smiled at him and dragged myself out from under the bed. He smiled happily at me, then grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the door.

"How did you get free, Al?" I managed to ask. Al just looked back at me with a puzzled expression in his face.

"What do you mean, Brother? I've always been free."

_After all, what's wrong with a little magic from time to time?_

I stood silently in the cold, feeling the wind whip my hair around my face haphazardly. But that wasn't what I saw. All I could see in front of me was the one piece of cold, hard, gray.

Something was wrong. Something was seriously wrong.

Why did that damn rock have _my_ brother's name on it? That wasn't Al, that could never be Al! Why were people putting _his_ name on lifeless rocks? A gray, lifeless rock was everything _but_ Alphonse. That couldn't be him.

But I realized that it really was him as the day so long ago came rushing back to my head. My shoulders shook and I fell to my knees, straight into a puddle of mud. It was wrong, it was _so_ wrong. It couldn't be real. I had to be dreaming. No, having a nightmare. It was just too wrong.

I laid down on the cold ground, and let the same darkness from under my bed envelope me once more. I never wanted it to loosen its hold on me, not unless it meant that Al would be standing in front of me.

_If only the magic would return, then the world would be a better place. All we need are a few secret spots._

Brother! Don't leave me!

I'm coming Al! Don't worry!


End file.
